Steve Phillips Makes Them Good Girls Go Bad

Currently lost in the brouhaha over “journalistic ethics” concerning the Steve Phillips case is the simple truth that this story is patently hilarious. Let’s look at a little timeline here. Steve Phillips, while GM of the Mets, does the proverbial wild thing with one of his underlings, and winds up getting sued for sexual harassment. He is later given the gate, not for that, but because he’s terrible at his job. He inexplicably winds up as an analyst at ESPN, and is equally terrible at his job. He then does the proverbial wild thing with one of his underlings, who this time, instead of suing him, goes after his wife, who’s apparently still with him. She sends Mrs. Phillips a letter that reads like Twilight fan fiction, indicating how much she’d like to meet her. Being a woman of her word, Brooke Hundley shows up at Mrs. Phillips’ door and this whole affair finally blows up. Is anyone surprised? Of course not. He looks like a used car salesman and has a history of this kind of thing. Do I feel bad for anyone? No. Everyone knew what they were getting into when they got into the Steve Phillips business, including Brooke Hundley.

In a vital component of being terrible at his job, Steve Phillips participated in one of the most ill-conceived and derided TWWL gimmicks of all time – he participated in fake press conferences playing the GM of several Major League Baseball teams. Apparently, his experience as a bad GM gave him credibility? I dropped out of law school, so maybe I could be their legal analyst. Anyway, with Halloween coming up, I think it’s time for a little dress-up. Let’s address this Steve Phillips situation in the most fitting way possible – with a fake press conference. Playing the role of Steve Phillips will be … (looks around room, sees nobody else) me, Old King Clancy!

OK, let me put on this Steve Phillips costume here. OK, now that I’m in character, I feel a sudden obligation to go to a public park and start jackin’ it. I hope this little charade is over soon. OK, someone hit my fucking theme music!

LA Times: So, Mr. Phillips. In the wake of this story breaking, how are you feeling right now?

“Steve Phillips”: Fantastic, baby! THE PUSSY IS OUT OF THE BAG! I’m free to do you and me! I didn’t want to have to admit another affair to my wife, but I didn’t have to. Brooke did it for me. And now, thanks to a mustachioed member of my PR squad, everyone’s sitting around wringing their hands about

"You might had some, but you never had none like this. Just wait til' you see my dick (Oooooooo!!!)"

“journalistic ethics,” and not about me. I don’t know what either of those mean, but I’m sure one of my producers can tell me off the air. And in the bedroom, baby. No woman can resist me. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Dallas Morning News: So, how did you and Brooke Hundley meet?

“Steve Phillips”: Well, I asked her if she was related to Todd Hundley, one of my favorite players from my days with the Mets. She wasn’t, but all I needed was that second to look into her eyes. You know the second time is even better. That’s when they do the weird stuff.

Dallas Morning News: So did you have any idea she was going to tell your wife?

“Steve Phillips”: No. Well, she had been watching “The Amy Fisher Story” a lot the past few months. But I always thought it was just because she got so turned on by the name “Buttafuoco.” Can I tell you how incredible the sex was after she watched it? Right up Steve Phillips’ alley, baby. Oh, I’m not bluffin’ with my muffin! I don’t care about the lady in the street part; I just want the freak in the bed!

Philadelphia Inquirer: So you’re admitting you’re a phreak?

“Steve Phillips”: They don’t call me the “Silver Streak” here at ESPN for nothing. I taught Will Ferrell everything he knows when he came to do those promos here.

Detroit Free Press: So are you surprised that it took your wife this long to divorce you?

“Steve Phillips”: Marriage is a game of give and take. She puts up with my only being home two nights a year in exchange for getting two shots at this a year. Everyone wants a piece of the sex machine.

New York Times: We have a sports section? Post, you take this one! I’ve got people to call “Mister.”

Washington Post: So despite your affair with a staff member with the Mets, and the fact that you were a horrible GM, ESPN thought you were a perfect candidate to forward their brand?

“Steve Phillips”: No one can turn down all of this! (runs hands over body). Credentials be damned, Norby couldn’t stop drooling. Just because he can’t have me doesn’t mean his day isn’t five inches better just by having me around. It’s like that Marilyn Manson song, I don’t like the dudes, but the dudes like me. That Berman, always panting, “You’re with me, toupee and goatee.”

New York Post: So does ESPN have a strict fraternization policy?

“Steve Phillips”: Very strict. If you’re not fraternizing, you’re on your way back to some remote local news market. Anyone seen Brett Haber in about 12

... Now get your dick out.

years? Look at the most successful guys on our network: Mike Tirico, Chris Berman, Stuart Scott, Steve Levy. And look at the biggest cooze hounds on our network: Mike Tirico, Chris Berman, Stuart Scott, Steve Levy. If you can’t find a pattern here, lemme know.

Chicago Tribune: So you’re saying this isn’t a big deal?

“Steve Phillips”: It only got out when Brooke showed up at the house. Just like what happened to my boy, Rick Pitino. That’s what I keep telling Steve Berthiaume. You should see the texts he sends Pedroia. Just don’t go to his home, Bert!

Chicago Tribune: So why exactly are you on a week suspension then?

“Steve Phillips”: ESPN just needed a week to figure out a way to blame this all on Harold Reynolds. And now I’ve got more time to hit the club with Ricky P. You haven’t lived until you’ve let Steve Phillips and Rick Pitino run a train on you, baby.

Mitch Albom: So does your mother cry at night when she thinks about what you grew up to be?

“Steve Phillips”: You’re at a press conference? What is this, 20 years ago? Aren’t you supposed to be home writing some trumped-up mewling drivel for Oprah’s Book Club?

Mitch Albom: Hey, this is Old King Clancy’s vision, maybe he forgot. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go file my column about the 2010 Final Four.

Tony Kornheiser: So do the Gabor sisters like it when they touch Uranus?

Tony Reali: OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

“Steve Phillips”: I don’t know who you’re talking about, but I’ve probably done ‘em.

Michael Wilbon: You know who would never do something like this? My boy, Michael Jeffrey Jordan. He was just telling me on the golf course about this

A tradition unlike any other. The master.

$5,000 cigar he just bought, and I just know he’s a man of his word.

“Steve Phillips”: Yeah, Michael Jordan cheated on his wife every day for 15 years. Probably multiple times a night. I bow my head and salute the master.

Michael Wilbon: IT DOESN’T MATTER what you say about him. MICHAEL JEFFREY JORDAN! We were just at N9NE in Vegas last night and that cote de boeuf with white truffle cabernet reduction and an asparagus coulis was outstanding! Chicago! South Side!

Miami Herald: So you seem to have a Teflon horseshoe up your ass. Is there anything that scares you?

“Steve Phillips”: Someday being self-employed. Without any staffers, I’d have to have sex with myself. I wonder what that’s like. I should ask Old King Clancy.

Boston Globe: If you don’t mind me asking a baseball question, as a former Mets employee, how do you feel about the behavior of former VP Tony Bernazard and its impact on the organization?

“Steve Phillips”: Well, he was certainly on the right track in taking off his shirt. That’s my first step to solving any conflict. But I can’t condone wanting to fight his team. I’m not a fighter. I’m clearly a lover, baby.

Boston Globe: I got a man.

“Steve Phillips”: What’s your man got to do with me?

Joe Buck: I find your behavior disgusting. Those are disgusting acts you committed with those women. Disgusting.

“Steve Phillips”: Yeah, I know what you want. (pulls down pants and moons Joe Buck). Yeah, this fine piece of white meat. (slaps ass). Oh, Rosa. (slaps ass) Oh, Brooke. (slaps ass) Oh, Kelly Naqi! (slaps ass). It’s too bad that Stacey Dales doesn’t work here anymore. I would have fucked the “diva” right out of her! Rich Eisen, that lucky bastard. NO ONE CAN RESIST THE SHEER ANIMAL MAGNETISM OF STEVE PHILLIPS’ ASS.

San Francisco Chronicle: So, how do you feel about people judging your actions?

“Steve Phillips”: If you want to judge me, go right ahead. I’ll be laughing all the way to vaginatown. Hey, I’m not even the worst guy named Phillips. Unlike John Phillips, I’ve never fucked my daughter. Yet.

San Francisco Chronicle: Do you have any final thoughts for us?

“Steve Phillips”: Well, to all the guys out there, keep your girlfriend away from me. And to all the lovely ladies, I’ve got two words for you: SUCK IT! Just follow the birthmarks, you beautiful babies!

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Put the Glass Down

Tags: bad stripper music, Brooke Hundley, Chris Berman, ESPN, Harold Reynolds, Joe Buck, journalistic ethics, Michael Wilbon, Mike Tirico, mitch albom, New York Mets, old king clancy, passion and drive to really do something with my life, Rick Pitino, role play, slumpbuster, Steve Levy, Steve Phillips, Stuart Scott, teflon horseshoe, Tony Kornheiser, woodcock-johnson
Categories: Domestics

This entry was posted on Monday, October 26th, 2009 at 2:30 pm and is filed under Domestics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.