Eye Opener – 6 November 2009

Can I just tell you that I once tried to use the “Dude, I do this every night!” excuse and boy, did it really not work even a little bit.  Of course, I was caught stringing Christmas lights wearing only a ribbon to cover my man-bits.  Yeah, try getting THAT picture out of your head.  Or don’t, you know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Right, so, where was I?  Ah yes, it’s Friday, and of course, no Friday is complete without me.  Your favorite Englishman, the one you dream about, the one you think about telling you how great these scones are while you brew up some Earl Grey.  Yeah.  Me.  Nice.  You need me to catch you up on on the overnight haps, don’t you?  Oh, and I’m going to.  Yessiree.  Follow along, won’t you?

Overnight oversights begin….NOW!

• NBA winners included the Chicago Bulls (over the Cleveland LeBrons – sorry Mek, Sculpt and other Cleveland supporters – something will go right sometime, I think, maybe…well…maybe not) and the Utah Jazz (still the possessor of the stupidest franchise nickname in history).
• 8 games in the NHL last night and your winners were Les Habitants, Columbus, Ottawa, Detroit, Vancouver, Calgary, Phoenix, the Rangers, Anaheim and Los Angeles (who whipped the Penguins – eat shit, Crosby!  I dunno, that’s just what my Flyer friends tell me to yell at him.)
• Real Salt Lake eliminated the Columbus Crew in last night’s MLS Playoff action, defeating them 3-2 and 4-2 on aggregate.  Good news, MLS fans, your regular season’s best team is now sitting out the rest of the playoffs!  Well done, league!
• Virginia Tech defeated East Carolina 16-3 in Greenville last night, as the College Football weekend got underway.  Love that College Football’s weekend starts on Tuesday and sometimes ends on Sunday night.  I think all weekends should be that way.
• Headline:  “Tiger surges into share of the lead at HSBC”.  Notice they don’t make mention of the golfer he’s “sharing” the lead with?  Yeah, it’s Nick Watney.  It’s Tiger’s world, folks, and we’re all just along for the ride.
• The Breeder’s Cup starts today, and I don’t know about you, but I’m pumped.  Everyone show up at my house at 3:30 PM and we’ll watch the action and eat nachos and drink beer and talk about the commercials and make fun of the halftime act and…wait, what?
• Your latest athlete/pothead?  Timmy Lincecum.  I’m SHOCKED at this story.  Literally stunned.  What’s next?  Baseball players from the World Champions as steroid abusers?
• A feature on Boise State QB Kellen Moore reminds me that the Broncs are on telly tonight at La Tech.  I don’t know what to even hope for any more with college foobaw.  I want a playoff.  That much I know.  Me and Obama.  Who’s with us?
• Drugs must be awesome, because everyone’s doing it, including Belgian female tennis players.  What part of my performance needs enhancing?  EVERY PART
• You’re punished, but you’re not, until we tell you you are.  The Court of Arbitration for Sport, everyone!  Give’em a hand!  Assholes.
• Oklahoma State wide receiver (but only in name now) Dez Bryant lost his “final” appeal and will no longer compete for the Cowboys.  He will enter the 2010 NFL draft and avoid Deion Sanders (Destroyer of Lives) from henceforth.
• Because I’m fascinated with the impending battle and I firmly believe the Vikings are going to leave Minnesota for Los Angeles, I urge you to read the “No State Funds” section of this summary article.  Start picking out new nicknames now, folks.
• Simmons tweeted yesterday that his book was number one on the NYT Best Sellers list but unless I’m temporarily blind, I don’t see what he means.  Can someone enlighten me?
• Leitch starts discussing 2010 for the Yankees.  The plan?  Solving the economic crisis, ending the war in Afghanistan and getting everyone back to work.  Oh, wait, that’s Obama.  I think the Yankees will probably just buy some free agents and win the AL East again.  Simple, really.

Okay, I must get some real work done.  Enough of this fooling about.  So, it’s Friday.  You fine folks have just a few more hours to get through and then it’s yet another fantastic weekend.  My GOD, there is nothing better than 5:01 PM on Friday afternoon.  So here’s what you’re to do for me…listen closely.  Stay gold, Ponyboy.  Keep your head above water.  Don’t let the sun go down on me.  Rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day.  Be agressive, be, be, agressive.

Love you bbys.  Bye for now.

Tags: eye opener, Two Yellows
Categories: Eye Openers

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