Eye Opener – 20 November 2009

In case you were worried, we have a new leader in the clubhouse in the semi-annual “Person in the news who you never want to read about, see or hear speak ever again” tournament.  The sad thing is, this is only the beginning, because we’re still three years away from the next Presidential election.  Fantastic.

And off we go.

I look at you all, see the love there that’s sleeping.

• Behind three touchdowns from noted herbalist Ricky Williams, the Miami Dolphins defeated the Carolina Panthers 24-17 in Thursday night NFL action.  I want it known for the record that I absolutely loathe this “two backs sharing carries” crap that the Panthers insist upon, and John Fox can enjoy a healthy plate of anthrax pancakes on me.
• NBA winners last night were New Orleans, Utah and the Lakers.  Yesterday was the five year anniversary of that horrific brawl in Detroit between the Pistons and the Pacers.  Stephen Jackson celebrated by eating a bag of chocolate-dipped crickets.  YUMM-O
• NHL winners last night were Carolina, Boston, Ottawa, St. Louis, Nashville, Columbus, Chicago and Anaheim.  Approximate highlights shown on SportsCenter this morning?  None.
• Top 25 NCAA basketball winners included Kansas, North Carolina, Kentucky, Villanova, Syracuse, Minnesota and Dayton.  UNC takes on Syracuse tonight along with Cal taking on Ohio State (they’re all in the same tournament – Coaches vs. Cancer) all on ESPN2 starting at 5:00 PM EST.  I just give and give to you people, honestly.
• Your soccer updates for Friday are as follows:  David Beckham has chimed in on the Henry fiasco (THANK GOD!) saying the Frenchman is NOT a cheat and everyone should just shut their gobs about it.  Noted Irish thug dickhead and former Irish national team skipper Roy Keane says that Ireland deserves it and everyone should just shut their gobs about it.  FIFA has confirmed there will be no replay of the Ireland-France match and everyone should just shut their gobs about it.  Okay, noted.
• Marv Albert vs. 50 Cent’s Posse.  WHO YA GOT?
• Tim Lincecum won the NL Cy Young award, as Adam Wainright and Cris Carpenter killed each others chances by splitting the vote.  Not winning a Cy Young award?  Jose Molina.
• UGA VII, the University of Georgia’s beloved bulldog mascot, died suddenly of a heart attack.  No word on Mike Vick’s whereabouts, but he is considered a “person of interest” in this case.
• Okie State had a rough go of it last night without Zac Robinson, but managed to put away Colorado finally, 31-28.  Dan Hawkins’ comment after the game?  “You want me on that wall, you NEED me on that wall!”  Boise State is on tonight, by the way, 9:30 PM on ESPN2 after basketball, against Utah State.
• The person (I refuse to call him a “man”) accused of stalking Erin Andrews was disturbingly persistent in his efforts.  I’ve got a nice pair of vise grips that will likely fit on his testicles quite nicely, should I be called upon.
• It’s not looking good for Ced Benson this weekend against the Raiders, so guess who might be stepping in?  That’s right, former Penn State superstar and noted lover of Lesbians and Gays Larry Johnson.  Awesome.

Okay, it’s Friday, as you know.  We’re within a week of a FOUR DAY weekend, the only scheduled one of the year.  Keep your eyes on the prize, dudes and dudettes.  Just a few more days of work/school and we’re there.  Lovely.  Be happy and healthy today, my friends. Now, let’s DANCE.

Tags: eye opener, Two Yellows
Categories: Eye Openers

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