Eye Opener – 1 December 2009

Yeah, yeah, yeah, let’s get on with it.  Oh, and your fantastic idea about having elective plastic surgery on your ass?  Don’t bother, it’ll KILL you.

A heart that’s full up like a landfill, a job that slowly kills you, bruises that won’t heal.

• The Saints took the Patriots apart last night, 38-17.  Drew Brees threw five touchdown passes en route to a perfect 158.3 QB rating for the evening.  You have to admit, the idea of a Vikings-Saints NFC Championship game in front of that raucous New Orleans crowd is really enticing.  Oh, and the Patriots?  Sort of average, quite frankly.
• NBA winners last night were Milwaukee, Dallas, Utah and Golden State.  Also, someone needs to perform a sanity check on Kiki Vandeweghe because he agreed to step out of his cushy GM chair and coach the winless New Jersey Nets.
• NHL winners included Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Washington, Atlanta, Columbus, Colorado, Detroit and Calgary.  Two incidents of note were Alex Ovechkin going off with a knee injury, and more seriously, Keith Ballard of the Florida Panthers taking out his own goalkeeper, Tomas Vokoun, with a slash after Ilya Kovalchuk had tied the score.  You’ll see it everywhere today.  Moron.
• Charlie Weis was fired by Notre Dame.  Bobby Bowden, according to sources and the sappy retro piece on SportsCenter this morning, will retire today.  Jenn Sterger has so far been unavailable for comment (link is NSFW) on either story.
• L’affaire de TiWoo is now getting to the point where I’d like to see everyone involved on Maury Povich, taking lie detector tests and paternity tests and going off to juvie boot camp and wanting teen pregnancies.  Or something.  Whitlock says we all ought to mind our own goddam business.  It’s Tiger’s world, yo.
• Remember when Serena Williams lost her shit at the US Open?  Yeah, it cost her 82 grand and 2 years double-secret probation.  WATCH YO MOUF!
• Danica Patrick got everyone all wound up that she might go to NASCAR, and then announced an extension with Andretti-Green.  Stop teasing me, woman.
• The Football Association of Ireland has requested that FIFA let them into the World Cup because of the egregious missed hand ball call against France.  Sepp Blatter says that FIFA will “consider” the request.  Translation?  “We’re laughing too hard to say no right now.”
• Derek Jeter was named SI’s Sportsman of the Year for 2009.  Not winning?  Jose Molina.
• Tim Donaghy’s heretofore unmentionable book will now get to be mentioned as he’s found a publisher willing to risk the Wrath of Stern.

Right, that’s it then.  Enjoy your Tuesdays and behave yourselves, for crying out loud.  Santa’s watching.

Tags: Eye Openers, Two Yellows
Categories: Eye Openers

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