Eye Opener/Liquid Lunch: Saturday, February 20

Wake up! Good morning/afternoon. Or should I say bad morning/afternoon. I’m bloody cranky today. For those of us on the same page, there’s not a hell of a lot of compelling sports to distract us today. I love college hoops, but we have a lot of potential mismatches today. I like most of the Winter Olympics, even if Dick Ebersol is about the best Voldemort to come out of sports in a long time,  but … oh wait, the ice dancers have to take a break and wait until tomorrow so there may actually be some interesting events today. If you can wade through the jingoism and heartbreaking works of staggering genius to get to it. I’m not usually that patient.

- TiWoo’s staff writer earned a raise. His acting coach not so much. By the way, TiWoo and my boy Oscar have one important thing in common: they both love trash.

- Dick Ebersol is celebrating the success of the US Olympians by jerking off into a giant vat of money. The bills that remain clean, he will then give to Notre Dame.

- Yesterday’s NBA winners: Charlotte (taking advantage of an 0-12 by new Cav Antawn Jamison), New Orleans, Washington, Philly, Chicago, Milliewaukay, Toronto, Dallas, Phoenix, Miami, Utah, and Boston.

- Bode Miller won a silver medal in the Super G. Competitors in the Super G totally laugh at those in the normal Non-Super Giant Slalom. Yet the medals are equivalent. In a related story, Tiger Woods has probably nailed at least ten women nicknamed “Super G.”

- Snowboarder Scotty Lago has been “disgraced” by a photo of a woman performing fellatio on his bronze medal. The real disgrace? Come on, ladies. You can do better than bronze. The line for Shaun White’s medal was just too long, wasn’t it?

- Update: After a controversial roster change, the US men beat France in curling. (Thanks Martin!) So while France makes better music than the US, at least we’ve got curling. L’etat, c’est moi!

- Speaking of curling, seriously, where are Cassie and Jamie Johnson? Yes, I legitimately do enjoy watching curling. But hot curlers didn’t hurt in 2006. Yelling, “Hard, hard, hard!” I’m already there.

- In today’s US Olympic action, Julia Mancuso is competing in the Super G. I hope she wears the cat ears. (Why do I not have that photo anymore? It would really help right now). You know what they say about girls that dress up as cats. Shani Davis may compete in the 1,500 meters if the spirit moves him and he wakes up on the right side of the bed. Fine, so I’m anti-American. I still hate that guy. Maybe I just want him to comment here calling me a “Jerkwheat.” Apolo Ohno is competing in the short track 1,000. Lots of wiping out will likely occur and it will be fun to watch.

- I’d like to be excited about the US-Canada hockey game tomorrow, but it’s not the medal round and both teams are going to make it, so it’s basically a friendly. Unless Sidney Crosby nut-punches someone from behind, which has been known to happen now and again.

- Don Cherry and Mike Milbury have worked out a compromise. They will each take one of Sidney Crosby’s balls simultaneously.

- Has anyone ever seen Lindsey Jacobellis and Lady Gaga in the same room together? Ga ga, wubba-ba. Rah rah bad snowboard!

- Luge, man. Fuckin’ luge. Call up the luge dude. Doin’ fuckin’ luge!

- Google Buzz asked me if I wanted it. I said no. The next time I signed into Gmail, I had it anyway. I’m officially annoyed.

- Listening to Radiohead’s “No Surprises” on loop surprisingly will not remedy people’s mysterious lack of communication. Hey, I don’t like Emo Clancy any more than you do.

- Former Dallas Maverick, new Washington Wizard, and Weed Against Speed brother-in-arms Josh Howard was reported to have been benched by the Mavs for being hungover at a game. Once again, it’s OK for Michael Jordan. It’s not OK if you’re Josh Howard.

- Speaking of the Wizards, team president Ernie Grunfeld said that Gilbert Arenas will return to the team after his suspension. Sorry, Big Ern. It was a valiant effort, but you failed to knock off Tiger Woods for Full Of Crap Statement of the Day.

Have at it, jacknuts. No alarms and no surprises please.

Tags: Apolo Ohno, Bode Miller, Cassie and Jamie Johnson, curling, Dick Ebersol, Gilbert Arenas, Jerkwheat, Julia Mancuso, old king clancy, Oscar the Grouch, Scotty Lago, Shani Davis, sidney crosby, Tiger Woods
Categories: Eye Openers, Liquid Lunch

This entry was posted on Saturday, February 20th, 2010 at 12:36 pm and is filed under Eye Openers, Liquid Lunch. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.