Eye Opener/Liquid Lunch: Sunday, February 21

Good morning, audience of one! Sometimes it’s fun to be the only one in the room, because the floor is truly yours. Since I referenced it a couple weeks ago, I think it’s only fair that I tell my favorite Australian joke. I actually heard this from a British cricket bowler on a camping trip. Remember to use an Australian accent when reading this.

So there was a new live game show in Australia where contestants were asked to come up with a new word that no one had ever heard before, spell it, and then use it in a sentence. Sure, it’s a lousy premise for a game show, and a flimsy premise for a joke, but stick with me. The first contestant said his name was Jack and that his word was “Ghan. G-H-A-N.” The host asked him to use it in a sentence, to which Jack replied, “Ghan get fucked!”

The host and producers were mortified, this being live TV and all, and quickly hustled Jack off the stage. The host apologized profusely to the national TV audience for Jack’s indecency and they quickly moved on to the next contestant. The next contestant had long bushy hair and a huge beard and said his name was Simon. Simon said his word was “Smee. S-M-E-E.” The host asked him to use it in a sentence. Simon then ripped off his beard and his wig and said, “Smee again, Jack! Ghan get fucked!”

- Congrats to Apolo Ohno for his 7th Olympic medal, a bronze in the short track 1,000, the most in US Winter Olympics history. I do have to wonder how does one train for short track? It’s an absolute fucking free-for-all. It’s essentially Speed Skater X, except that I think short track existed before the Winter X Games, so suck on that, ESPN. But the thought of training for something that wildly unpredictable just seems like it would be infuriating after the race. It’s like trying to prepare for dating. No matter what you do, the end result is completely out of your control.

- Congrats to Lindsey Vonn on her bronze medal in the Super G. Julia Mancuso was not so successful, but I think she’ll live. And Shani Davis won silver in the 1,500 long track speed skating. And the announcers mentioned that he’s friends with both Apolo Ohno and Canadian speed skater Denny Morrison, so apparently someone likes him. Just not me. I hope the relay teams that he refuses to be on jump him backstage.

- Yesterday’s college hoops top 25 winners: Kansas, Kentucky, Purdue, Kansas St., Gonzaga, West Fucking Virginia, BYU, Butler, New Mexico, Tennessee, Temple, Texas A&M, and Texas actually won a game. Proud we are of all of them. Your top 25 losers: #22 Baylor lost to Oklahoma St and #25 Wake Forest lost to NC State. Wow, that’s something Georgetown would do.

- But the real highlight of yesterday’s college hoops was Maryland beating Georgia Tech with a buzzer-beating 3-pointer by Cliff Tucker. After a previous buzzer-beating 3-pointer by General Greivis Vasquez was wiped out because Maryland coach Gary Williams called timeout while he was dribbling. Yes, I’m firmly aware that they still suck and are only in 2nd place in the ACC because the ACC is butt-trifling. But it beats losing.

- Yesterday’s NBA winners: OKC (but hey, Tracy McGrady actually played in a game), Toronto, Dallas, Chicago, Indiana, Milliewaukay, and the Clippers.

- Johnny Damon apparently will sign with the Tigers and will be amazed to discover that Comerica Park is actually twice the size of New Yankee Stadium. Then again, so is my office. Although they probably have internet connections and a phone in New Yankee Stadium.

- Danica Patrick finished 31st in the NASCAR Nationwide Series race in Fontana, CA, the prelude to the real race today. Yesterday’s race was won by Kyle Busch. It still bothers the shit out of me that the Sunday drivers compete in the minor league race. Do the New York Yankees play some Pacific Coast League games on the side? How does an up-and-comer win anything? It’s a total made man’s game. Glass ceiling up the wazoo.

- Get fired up for your Accenture Andersen Consulting Match Play Final: Ian Poulter vs. Paul Casey!

- Get your TV sets out to CNBC for tonight’s US-Canada friendly in Olympic hockey. I think it’s on after Hot Box With Avery Jessup. And once again, US team, guard those bozaks when Sidney Crosby’s around or especially behind you. That’s not a gay joke. The dude punches people in the nuts from behind. Those of you without cable, enjoy that ice dancing. Or call Karl Hungus to fix the cable. He is expert.

Enjoy your Sunday! Tomorrow’s going to suck balls.

Tags: Apolo Ohno, Danica Patrick, ghan get fucked, Johnny Damon, Lindsey Vonn, old king clancy, Shani Davis, Sidney Crosby the bozak puncher
Categories: Eye Openers, Liquid Lunch

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