Eye Opener/Liquid Lunch: Saturday, Feburary 27

Wake up! Grab a brush and put on a little makeup. . Hide the scars and fade away that shakeup. Why’d you leave the keys upon the table? You wanted to. Why’d you leave the keys upon the table? WHY … DID YOU LEAVE THE KEYS ON THE TABLE!!!????? Uhh, you wanted to? (God bless Richard Cheese for actually making that song listenable)

Get ready for the US-Canada rematch in the gold medal game tomorrow! The US beat Finland so badly that Finlandia Vodka will be known as “Freedom Vodka” for the next year. (Thanks, Bob Ney and Walter Jones. Deutschbanks.). Finland got beat so badly that even the guy that plays Finn on “Glee” felt it. And that actor’s Canadian. I’m not expected victory tomorrow, but it would be pretty fucking awesome. Mostly because Don Cherry and Mike Milbury would have to cry into Sidney Crosby’s bozak. And I bet those double-looney hacks’ tears taste delicious.

In other news:

- A massive wipeout and a DQ for Apolo Ohno enabled Canada’s Charles Hamelin to win gold in the short track 500. Despite basically being Steven Bradbury, he is still likely faster than his long-lost cousin, former Kansas City Royal Bob Hamelin.

- Thanks to Hamelin’s wins in the 500 and the 5,000 meter relay, Canada now leads the Winter Olympics on gold medals. So I guess our neighbors to the north are owning the best part of the podium after all. Just not quite as much as they want. Damned expectations!

- Lindsey Vonn wiped out again in the not-giant or super slalom. Maybe after winning the gold in the downhill with her merciless shin bruise, she could have pulled a George Costanza and been, “Thanks, I’m out!” Not to be confused with my perpetually having to prevent one of my students from pulling a different kind of George Costanza and eating stuff from the top of the garbage. (Also, trust me, you want to click that link from the beginning of the item).

- Michael Jordan is set to buy the Charlotte Bobcats from their titular owner, Bob Johnson. We can now set the over-under on how long until Jordan bets the Bobcats at a Vegas casino or leaves them as a tip for a hooker.

- Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods from its sponsorship deal, which is too bad because that cloudy lime Tiger Gatorade was pretty damn tasty. Gatorade would rather be represented by outstanding family men. Like Michael Jordan. Somehow I think Tiger will still be able to feed his pretend family.

- University of Kentucky capo coach and Uli Kunkel idealogue John Calipari says the SEC title means “nothing.” I agree. The SEC is fucking terrible this year. The Door remains excited about new banner, amidst the payoffs its handing out behind the scenes.

- The NFL Scouting Combine and I don’t care, the NFL Scouting Combine and I don’t care, the NFL Scouting Combine and I don’t care, just go watch some male porn!

- Brandon Marshall is starting to own up to his role in the shooting of Darrent Williams. In his own way, of course. This is actually an interesting developing story.

- Last night’s NBA winners: Cleveland, Dallas, New York, Chicago, Charlotte, Houston, OKC, Denver, Phoenix, New Orleans, the Lakers, and Sacramento.

- In compelling college hoops action today, we have #8 Villanova visiting #4 Syracuse (go meteor!), #17 Tennessee visiting #2 Kentucky with the loser going on probation, #12 New Mexico visiting #11 BYU, and my alma mater, Georgetown, inevitably losing to Notre Dame. Oh, and because it’s my party, Maryland is visiting Virginia Tech.

- Enjoy the dulcet tones of NWA edited down to just the cursing. Trust me, it’s worth a listen, you pussy-ass [honkeys].

- You know, folks. I gave those popped-collar fratbags a lot of flak in their day. But I’m starting to realize that maybe they were ahead of the curve after all. I always said they looked like “frat boy vampires.” And now, look what’s fucking trendy. Sure, they were a little off in that the correct play was “emo vampires,” but forward thinking nonetheless. I think they’ll live. Because if you’ve ever been to Chicago, you know that frat boys are still getting laid at an alarming pace.

- Speaking of my fair home, living in Chicago I hear my share of meatheaded provincial commentary. And your share, and his share, and her share. I hear a lot. But the new clubhouse leader might be after the Super Bowl when a guy called up to express his glee about the Volkswagon “punch buggy” commercial and said that it warmed his heart to see “a Chicago thing” getting national attention. Yeah, no. I can pretty much singlehandedly disprove that, unless my elementary school buddies in the DC area were secretly “Chicago guys.” I absolutely would not be surprised to hear someone say that drinking orange juice in the morning is “a Chicago thing.” Or breathing air is “a Chicago thing.” Or dining at Alinea with Michael Jordan is “a Chicago thing.” OK, that’s only if you regularly talk to Michael Wilbon.

Happy Saturday, buttmunches! And try to keep the self-righteous suicide to a minimum.

Tags: Alison Brie, Apolo Ohno, Bob Hamelin, Brandon Marshall, Canada, Charles Hamelin, Charlotte Bobcats, Don Cherry, I'm surrounded by meatheads, John Calipari, Lindsey Vonn, Michael Jordan makes TiWoo look like the Pope, Michael Wilbon, Mike Milbury, old king clancy, Richard Cheese, Sidney Crosby the bozak puncher, Tiger Woods
Categories: Eye Openers, Liquid Lunch

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