Eye Opener: Sunday, February 28

I have a question this morning. No, it’s not, “What is up Satan’s ass?” but that’s usually a good guess. When the current scourge of Fuse and my musical landscape states that she is prone to “Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy,” (no, I will not distinguish that musical abortion with a link) what exactly does she mean? She feels like a disease-ridden, megalomaniacal, no-talent man-diva that carefully and calculatingly exploits the death of his alleged “best friend,” for which he may be responsible for all we know, into multi-millions and an alleged “career?” Actually, that kinda makes sense given the talent level of the song. We just get to sit back and wait for her to lovingly thrust her skeleton into the spotlight.

Now, in honor of the culmination of the Winter Olympics, I will now perform a dramatic soliloquy from the seminal Winter Olympic film “Cool Runnings.” Like to hear it? Here it go!

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

/bows

Thank you, thank you. You’re too kind. No really. You shouldn’t have. You like me! You really, really like me!**

** = No, they really don’t.

In other news/musings:

- US-Canada gold medal game is at 3:15 EST, 2:15 CST, 1:15 MST, and 12:15 PST. If we all whisper Dick Ebersol’s name at once, his ego may feel the slight flutter enabling him to put the game on NBC. Otherwise, get your MSNBC and CNBC ready. Good thing it’s not a night game because Don Cherry and Mike Mulbury are exhausted from their jobs as Sidney Crosby’s personal fluffers.

- Congrats to Finland for their bronze medal victory over Slovakia. Thanks for doing the job on Friday. That was Al Snow caliber.

- I see pride! I see power! I see badass mothers who don’t take crap from nobody! The US won its first gold medal in the four-man bobsled since 1948!

Not only that, but they did it in the famous Night Train sled. In the words of Jake Blues, that Night Train’s a mean sled.

- Does anyone else crack up every time the sport is called “bobsleigh?” I picture Santa Claus hauling ass down that dangerous track, possibly propelled by Zooey Deschanel’s singing.

- So lecoqsportif brought this up about a week ago about exactly how much the quality of snowboarding has grown in the last 15 or so years. Around 1996, the only tricks they did on the halfpipe were going in the air and grabbing their dicks boards. Which led to the classic play-by-play call, “Stale fish! ANOTHER STALE FISH!!!!!!!” I don’t really have a point here. Maybe just wondering if in another 15 years, Shaun White will be clown shoes compared to what they’re doing, or whether they’ll just hit a point like the dunk contest where it tops out and becomes boring by comparison because there’s nothing new under the sun. I know the square root of fuck-all about snowboarding. I really just wanted to mention the “Stale Fish!” like.

- Rough day for the top two college basketball teams as #1 Kansas lost at Oklahoma St and #2 Kentucky lost at #17 Tennessee. A-A is likely surrounding herself with lots of plants to help cheer her up. Does this mean Syracuse will finally get their due at #1? No, I’m not at all sure how Purdue is ahead of Syracuse?

- In other Top 25 college hooping: As previously mentioned, Inexplicable #4 Syracuse beat the hizouse out of #8 Villanova. Inexplicable (in the other direction) #13 Georgetown, as predicted in this very ring, did the Lindsey Vonn SI pose for Notre Dame at home. Trading wins and losses is not a good Tournament pattern. Also, #11 BYU lost at home to #12 New Mexico, and #23 Texas A&M beat the shit out of #21 Texas, because they’re awful. Also winning: #6 Kansas St., #7 West Fucking Virginia, #9 The Ohio St. University, #15 Gonzaga, #16 Pitt, #20 Vanderbilt, #22 Northern Iowa, and #25 UTEP. And proud we are of all of them.

- And in self-indulgent home state, but not alma mater-ing news, Maryland beat the Virginia Tech Fighting Turkeys in double-OT. Turtle Power!

- I know this was a week ago, but last weekend, South Carolina wore gray jerseys in their loss to Tennessee. Despite gray not being one of the school’s colors. I have to give it to South Carolina; I can’t think of a state that 150 years later, is prouder of the Civil War. You fought for slavery. That’s worth holding onto, dickbags. (Random story: I have a classmate who’s a South Carolina grad who told me that after making out with a black guy, her friends called her a “[n-word] lover.” That might have been a good time to find some new friends).

- The Nets won their 6th game of the season, against the Celtics. Hooray! Fortunately for the shame factor, no one in Boston besides Bill Simmons gives a shit about the Celtics. If they won the NBA Championship, they’d be bumped from the front page by whether or not Dustin Pedroia’s socks matched last evening.

- In other NBA action, your winners are: Indiana, Milliewaukay, Portland, Memphis, Utah, and Golden State.

- So who wants a story about 14-year-old Dong? 10 years ex post facto, the International Olympic Committee has ruled that one of China’s gymnasts in

the 2000 Sydney Summer Olympics, one Dong Fangxiou, was 14 and thus underage at the time. Wow, nice work, IOC. A little more giddy-up on your investigation pace and you might catch up to the Catholic Church. Although at least we hope that Dong Fangxiou didn’t get a raise and was transferred somewhere she could molest more people free of charge during those 10 years.

- Terrell Owens is a free agent again. To quote a fantastic Roseanne Barr commercial for the MTV Movie or Video Awards a long time ago, “Find out who wins … like you give a rat’s [BEEEEEEEEP].” Where’s lecoqsportif? He knows what I’m talking about.

- Kurt Busch has the pole in today’s [Some Sponsor] Las Vegas NASCAR race. Which of course means absolutely nothing. Wait, it actually does because of the goofy scoring system about laps led. So go get ‘em, Kurt. Lead some laps!

- Tony Kornheiser enters the second week of his PTI suspension for mocking TWWL’s Hannah Storm’s outfits. (Well deserved mockery, I might add). Kornholio is using his time off to blog about Hannah Storm on Go Fug Yourself.

- Is Wigan Athletic all goth and shit?

- OK, let’s just get it on the table. Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” is essentially Madonna’s “Hung Up” almost note for note. (Confession: I secretly kinda like both songs).

Now, once again, is this time I really wish I could post video, because it’s the perfect time for this. Instead, what should I send you out into the world with? Have at it, fancypants! Go break some Twilight-loving chickadee’s iPod! Especially if it’s stuck on Replay.

Tags: Alison Brie, AYHSMB, bobsleigh, Cool Runnings, Don Cherry, Dong Fangxiou, Maryland, Mike Milbury, nets, old king clancy, Puff Daddy remains the ultimate opportunist, Say it loud! South Carolina is racist and proud!, Sidney Crosby the bozak puncher, Stale Fish!, Terrell Owens, Tony Kornheiser, Why did I move to Southern California?, Wizard Cat
Categories: Eye Openers

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