Eye Opener: Saturday, March 6

I ASSURE YOU WE’RE OPEN!!!!!

You know, surprisingly, despite all my crankiness, I’m kinda feeling the love this morning. Maybe that’s just my johnson in my hand. But there’s a warmth surrounding me today. For now. So in the spirit of love, I think I’m going to sing you all a tender love song. Some of you might know it. It’s called, “Berzerker.”

My love for The Phoenix Pub is like a truck, BERZERKER!!!!!

Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!!!!!!!!

My love for The Phoenix Pub is ticking clock, BERZERKER!!!!!!

Would you like to suck my cock, BERZERKER!!!!!!!!! **

** = No, they probably wouldn’t.

In yesterday’s news and comment:

- On the first day of free agency, Daniel Snyder gave to me … no overpaid scrubs! Yet. Chad Clifton is ready and waiting. (Update: Chad Clifton is reportedly re-signing with the Packers). In actual signing news, the Bears made off with Julius Peppers. According to “a source,” his contract “compares favorably to Albert Haynesworth’s.” Huh? Doesn’t every contract compare favorably to that one? Except Alfonso Soriano’s. My favorite teams, Washington Capitals aside, are all fuckwits. No one denies this.

- The Halas Halflings also inked Chester Taylor, who can’t be any worse than Matt Forte (though the line’s no good either, so perhaps I’m being unfair), and Brandon Manumaluena. I would say that I should prepare for meatheaded provincial commentary springing anew. But I think Bears fans are still clinging to their seismic obsession with comparing Jay Cutler

with their dearly departed Kyle Orton, so we’re probably safe from Peppers chatter for now.

- Anquan Boldin was traded to the Ravens, thus ending one of the most tired wide receiver will-he-won’t-they stories since, well the last one. Now we can move onto the never-ending saga of Brandon Marshall, now supposedly heading to Seattle. Anyway, back to Phoenix. The Cardinals’ playoff hero Karlos Dansby also signed with Miami. Fucking Miami. And Antrelle Rolle is heading for the Giants. Couple that with the retirement of Kurt Warner and we can probably double-down on the NFC West champion having a losing record in 2010.

- First Derivative’s Jets traded for Antonio Cromartie. But the real news that is Cromartie is apparently an underdog competitor to Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry. At the supple age of 25, he already has 7 kids by 6 women. He could at least make it into the Olympic Trials for Rob in WI’s new olympic sport of skank impregnation. I would like to again state for the record that I haven’t been successful in too many of my pursuits in life, but I have absolutely kicked ass at not having kids.

- Some good players actually did re-sign with their original teams, such as the Colts’ Gary Brackett, the Patriots’ Vince Wilfork, the Eagles’ Leonard Weaver, and the Browns’ Josh Cribbs.

- We have our first NCAA Tournament team. Congrats to Cornell! In celebration of their achievement, a couple students delayed their suicides until April. (I was going to hell anyway because I’m an atheist).

- I know the game’s 3 days old, but who wants to see Duke’s Jon Scheyer getting thrown down on and knocked on his ass by Maryland freshman Jordan Williams?

- Rangers-Penguins for me is an NHL meteor game, but here may be Sean Avery making his first positive contribution to society, mocking the Penguins’ Maxime Talbot’s roughhousing style.

- Speaking of Sean Avery and the Penguins, last year during the playoffs, myself and a couple Caps fan friends had a spirited debate about who enjoyed pig sex more, Sean Avery or Sidney Crosby. One friend said, “Call it a threesome and get on with it.” But finally, my best friend and I decided that we know that Avery cheats on pigs with women, but we think Crosby is faithful to pigs. (Yes, the continued storybook heroism of Sidney Crosby is absolutely killing me. Do I take it as a comeuppance? Absolutely not).

- The first batch of Sidney Crosby’s winning roar photoshops from Puck Daddy. Yes, you do want to.

- Speaking of the NHL, last night’s winners were: Chicago, Detroit, Buffalo, Edmonton (if you count shootouts as wins), and Calgary, They’ll knock out your fucking teeth and pass all over your ass.

- The Pistons’ Rodney Stuckey collapsed on the bench last night in Cleveland and was taken to a local hospital. As far as we know, he’s OK, thank goodness. No snark here.

- And in the NBA, your winners were: Cleveland, Boston, Milliewaukay, Orlando, the ATL, the Charlotte Whoremongerers, Toronto, Dallas, Denver, and OKC.

- Tiger Woods won’t play at Doral next week. Guess what? Neither will I. Call me when something happens.

- Ben Roethlisberger was accused of sexual assault by a woman in Georgia. I’m not going near this story without more of … well, the story.

- NBC renewed its Thursday night comedy lineup. Which means more Alison Brie next year! Hooray!

- Jim and Pam had their baby on “The Office” Thursday night. Which prompts my perpetual question, has any show ever actually been improved by a pregnancy plotline or a baby? I’m trying to be patient with this. But in the interest of full-disclosure, I have an ongoing crusade to ban pregnancies and babies from TV. It’s obviously been quite successful.

- Can I take a moment to vent my ongoing gripe about the coverage of Favraro over the last couple years for a second, now that his appearance on NBC’s golden boy’s show the other night is considered “news” to some. Frankly, I don’t give a shit what he does. HOWEVER, it’s not a “comeback” if you don’t miss any action. Favraro has not missed a game in the last bunch of years that I’ve heard every 2 seconds about whether he’ll make a “comeback.” When he sits out a season, then he’s making a comeback. Like LL Cool J says, he’s been here for years.

- Anyone that uses the word “prolly” should be ritually disembowled.

Have a great Saturday, hippo-sniffers! And try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot. Hey you, come back here!

Tags: Anquan Boldin, Antonio Cromartie, ben roethlisberger, Berzerker!, Chicago Bears, Cornell, Dan Snyder, eliminar el shootout, Farvaro, Julius Peppers, Meagan Good, meatheaded provincial commentary, Michael Jordan makes TiWoo look like the Pope, No time for love Dr. Jones, old king clancy, Rodney Stuckey, Sean Avery, Sidney Crosby the pig-fucker, that's his fuckin' metal face
Categories: Eye Openers

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