Eye Opener: Saturday, March 13

Wake up! Anyone else collecting rejections like baseball cards? Not quite sure which one’s the Upper Deck Ken Griffey Jr. rookie, but does it really matter? Anyway, no one likes Emo Clancy, so how’s about some misplaced anger?

So it’s Saturday, March 13th. Who gives a shit, right? Well, it just happens to be the Saturday before St. Patrick’s Day. Or as it’s known in many circles, “Frat/Sorority Christmas.” Fuck. As if Chicago wasn’t frat-tastic enough before. And watch out on Sunday! The city can cancel the parade, but dammit, they’ll show them by coming down in busloads to act like jackasses anyway. OK, so back to today. Allegedly a bunch of people are going to hoot and holler and get all uppity when they dump a bunch of toxic dye into the Chicago River. (Now is the time when I wish I had video posting privilege so I could run a little CCR “Green River.” In my current state, we’re not holding out much hope for the tape deck. Or the Creedence). Little do they know that the dye is actually purifying the water by comparison. And speaking of purifying, maybe given last night’s alleged predicted deluge, maybe it can overflow and flush it all away. This bullshit three-ring circus sideshow, that is.

9 years ago, my college roommate and I were in Sydney, Australia and made the insanely intelligent (and live-preserving decision) to spend St. Patrick’s Day at a rugby match. When we returned, it looked like the fucking apocalypse had hit the place. But before and after we left, the most chilled out people were encountered? Of course, real Irish people. Now, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the Irish. Lord knows I have a thing for women named “Erin.” And I’ve enjoyed some St. Patrick’s Days in my day. But now I’m old and grouchy and just want people to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I mean, goodness knows there’s some great Irish or Celtic bands out there that would make for a fantastic celebratory soundtrack. But we all know I’ll just be hoping you keep your “Tik Tok” and your Black Eyed Peas to a decently minimal volume. You’ll likely find me in the most chilled-out St. Patrick’s Day venue I can think of — a British pub.

In yesterday/today’s news and comment:

- Fuck, how do I present all these conference tournament results? I’m just going to say who’s playing today, and if your team isn’t mentioned, they’ve lost already. Like Maryland.

- Today’s conference tournament finals: Big East — Georgetown vs. West Fucking Virginia. On any given day, Georgetown could beat or lose to anyone in D1, so if you’re a betting man, stay way the fuck away from them. In a possible good omen, I saw a dead ringer for Jack the Bulldog on Thursday. Big 12 — Kansas vs. Kansas St. Pac 10 — Cal vs. Washington. Mountain West — San Diego St. vs. UNLV. C-USA — Houston vs. UTEP. WAC — Utah St. vs. New Mexico St. MAC – Akron vs Ohio (Not State). MEAC — Morgan St. vs. South Carolina St. America East — Vermont vs. Boston University. Southland — Sam Houston St. vs. Stephen Fucking Austin. I wonder if Ben McKenzie, Michael Cudlitz, and Regina King are playing in this game. Big West — UCSB (The Gauchos. That’s classic. Rack me!) vs. Long Beach St. SWAC — Texas Southern vs. Arkansas-Pine Bluff.

- Today’s conference tournament semifinals: ACC — Duke vs. Miami. Fucking Miami. (No, I really never get sick of doing that). Georgia Tech vs. NC St. Scrub teams everywhere! A-10 — Rhode Island vs. Temple. Xavier vs. Richmond. Big 10 — Illinois vs. The Ohio State University. Purdue vs Minnesota. SEC — Kentucky vs. Tennessee. Mississippi St. vs. the Corney Vanderbilts.

- And congrats to Lehigh for winning the Patriot League tournament and making the motherfucking NCAA Tournament. No fucking dance metaphors here. And I’m so not above re-posting last week’s rant if I hear any more. Word for word. What? Someone on TWWL just said it? OK, here it goes. You pay for their sins.

- I continue to not know who’s responsible or how far back it goes, but I’d like to put a death warrant on whoever first coined the phrase “The Big Dance” in reference to the NCAA Tournament. Thereby unleashing a maelstrom of lame metaphors and over-overuse each and every year. We’re a week and a half away from the start and I’m already sick of it (much like these local Miller Lite St. Patrick’s Day commercials about the “Chi-rish”).

Fuck “The Big Dance” and and all its associated expressions such as “Team X is dancing,” “Team Y has their dancing shoes on,” etc. That’s right, the only “Big Dance” I want to see is this. For starters, the object of the NCAA Tournament is to win the NCAA Tournament. One cannot “win” a “big dance.” Yes, I know the idea is supposed to be the whole Cinderella story, but couldn’t they come up with something more accurate? Did the chicks who had to attend the prince’s balls … I mean ball, have to dance against each other in a Dancing With the Desperate Golddiggers competition to win the prince’s hand in holy matrimony? No? So yeah, it’s inaccurate on top of being stupid and overdone. On many a website, including this one and others that are much better paid than we are, it comes up routinely that the media is fundamentally lazy, but

why keep perpetuating this colossal nuisance every year if you don’t have to? Does the Super Bowl have any dumbass metaphors associated with it? Sorry, I know this is one of those things that only bothers me. Sometimes you really don’t need to be cutesy and you can just talk about what it is – a tournament. Sometimes that flourish is exactly what you don’t need. I suppose special consideration should go to Joakim Noah, who was like, “If they’re gonna feed me this horseshit, I might as well run with it.”

- Looking ahead a bit to Sunday, what’s worse than playing an NHL hockey game at 11:30 in the morning? Playing it at 11:30 in the morning the first Sunday of Daylight Savings Time. Thanks, Voldemort Ebersol! Don’t you have Notre Dame’s prostate to polish?

- Last night’s NHL winners: Tampa, New Jersey, Minnesota, the Rangers, LA (if you count shootouts as wins), and Nashville.

- And last night’s winners in the NBA: Cleveland, the Charlotte Whoremongerers, Boston, Miami, Denver (Fresh nugs to wieze on), San Antonio, OKC, Milliewaukay, Memphis, the Lakers, and Portland.

- Manny Pacquiao is fighting some dude named Joshua Clottey tonight at Jerrah Jr.’s Attack of the Skanks Palace. Expect Floyd Mayweather Jr. to tentatively flip the broadcast on, then immediately change the channel. Kokah-ko! Kokah-ko!

- So what’s about the worst thing you could imagine in OKC’s sporting universe, outside of a career-ending injury to Alex Ovechkin? How about the Skins signing the outspokenly homophobic, woman-battering, waste of an excuse for human life, Larry Johnson. I’m at an absolute loss. I cannot, under any circumstances, root for this guy. Let me put this out here. I am actively rooting for a training camp knee injury. Any scrub camp invitees that are guaranteed to get cut? Wanna pick up some cash? Take out his fucking knee. End his career. Do it for me. I’ll make it worth your while. Otherwise, well, I was born in New Orleans and I’ll play that card if I have to.

- Speaking of sociopaths with no accountability, Milton Bradley continued his Chicago fans are racist jaunt from last season, thus producing a continuous “news” story in Chicago this week. Now don’t get me wrong. I can’t stand Milton Bradley. I can’t write an Armchair Psychology for him because I’d have to quit my job and stay up for 20 weeks straight just to write the first half. I hated the signing when it happened. I really just hate having teams full of fucking assholes. And I don’t like celibate assholes much either. And I am continuously amazed that after being run out of 8 cities, nothing is ever his

fault, according to him. That said, if you separate the wolf-crying messenger from the message, I can’t necessarily say that Chicago fans aren’t not racist. I’m just saying. Just because Milton Bradley’s not smart enough to use the ammunition that’s right in front of him, that doesn’t make it false.

- Fulmer Cup hard-charger Oregon has suspended its starting QB, Jeremiah Masoli, for next season after he pled guilty to stealing 2 laptops and a guitar on campus. To be fair, the guy who owned the guitar wouldn’t stop playing Dave Matthews Band late at night and even worse, it kept getting him laid. At the pace they’re currently running, by September Oregon will have more heinous jersey designs than players. Anyway, this also makes me wonder what Pat Lazear’s up to.

- I don’t mention enough good news around these parts. Mostly because I’m a cranky bastard. But take note of this one, and thanks to lecoqsportif for passing this to me. 29-year-old Natalie Randolph has just been named head football coach at Coolidge High School in Washington, DC. As far as we know, she’s the first female head football coach ever. I cannot possibly express how much I hope this goes well. And not just so people can have their meatheaded caveman machismo about football shoved directly up their candy asses. I absolutely see no reason why a woman would not make a kick-ass football coach. Expect updates on this story.

Enjoy your Saturday, you walrus wang-wranglers. Do your best to duck the flying shitty beer and don’t forget to spring ahead … directly onto a horse’s penis.

Tags: Alison Brie, bounty on Larry Johnson, crappie fish, Dick Ebersol, Georgetown, Jeremiah Masoli, Larry Johnson, Manny Pacquiao, March Madness, Milton Bradley, Natalie Randolph, OKC's yearly rant about "The Big Dance" metaphor, old king clancy, racism is schism on a serious tip, Washington Redskins
Categories: Eye Openers

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