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Wake up! Grab a brush and put on a little makeup. . Hide the scars and fade away that shakeup. Why’d you leave the keys upon the table? You wanted to. Why’d you leave the keys upon the table? WHY … DID YOU LEAVE THE KEYS ON THE TABLE!!!????? Uhh, you wanted to? (God bless Richard Cheese for actually making that song listenable)

Get ready for the US-Canada rematch in the gold medal game tomorrow! The US beat Finland so badly that Finlandia Vodka will be known as “Freedom Vodka” for the next year. (Thanks, Bob Ney and Walter Jones. Deutschbanks.). Finland got beat so badly that even the guy that plays Finn on “Glee” felt it. And that actor’s Canadian. I’m not expected victory tomorrow, but it would be pretty fucking awesome. Mostly because Don Cherry and Mike Milbury would have to cry into Sidney Crosby’s bozak. And I bet those double-looney hacks’ tears taste delicious.

Thanks, Penny Arcade. Please don't sue us.

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Good morning, audience of one! Sometimes it’s fun to be the only one in the room, because the floor is truly yours. Since I referenced it a couple weeks ago, I think it’s only fair that I tell my favorite Australian joke. I actually heard this from a British cricket bowler on a camping trip. Remember to use an Australian accent when reading this.

So there was a new live game show in Australia where contestants were asked to come up with a new word that no one had ever heard before, spell it, and then use it in a sentence. Sure, it’s a lousy premise for a game show, and a flimsy premise for a joke, but stick with me. The first contestant said his name was Jack and that his word was “Ghan. G-H-A-N.” The host asked him to use it in a sentence, to which Jack replied, “Ghan get fucked!”

The host and producers were mortified, this being live TV and all, and quickly hustled Jack off the stage. The host apologized profusely to the national TV audience for Jack’s indecency and they quickly moved on to the next contestant. The next contestant had long bushy hair and a huge beard and said his name was Simon. Simon said his word was “Smee. S-M-E-E.” The host asked him to use it in a sentence. Simon then ripped off his beard and his wig and said, “Smee again, Jack! Ghan get fucked!”

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Wake up! Good morning/afternoon. Or should I say bad morning/afternoon. I’m bloody cranky today. For those of us on the same page, there’s not a hell of a lot of compelling sports to distract us today. I love college hoops, but we have a lot of potential mismatches today. I like most of the Winter Olympics, even if Dick Ebersol is about the best Voldemort to come out of sports in a long time,  but … oh wait, the ice dancers have to take a break and wait until tomorrow so there may actually be some interesting events today. If you can wade through the jingoism and heartbreaking works of staggering genius to get to it. I’m not usually that patient.

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This is what happens when the Daytona 500 takes 7 hours to complete.  You drink too much, you can’t find the toilet.  You know what I’m talking about.

So here we are, Monday afternoon, nothing to do, and all kinds of time to waste.  We’ve got Olympics on the various NBC’s today, and Super Bowl replays on the NFL network.  Here’s a topic for today.  If you were in fear of a certain aspect of your job or vocation, would you continue to pursue it?  I’m of course referring to the reports that emerged this morning that the young luge person (I refuse to type “Luger”) that passed away was actually afraid of the course.  So have at it, and we’ll get through it together.  Or something.

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Hey folks, thought I’d give you a repository for your sports derision for the day. And my trademark gratuitous chickie:

For you Olympics nuts, your current medal count:

• USA 4
• Canada 1
• Sorry, the UK hasn’t won any yet.

Carry on then!

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