Hey Patrons. You want a lolly? Piss off, you nance! Anyway, during Monday’s Cubs victory over the Washington Nationals (more on them later, sigh), perpetual Old King Clancy whipping boy and Cubs albatross Alfonso Soriano — who generally has the baseball instincts of Shaquille O’Neal — hit a blooper that landed on the right field line, which Nationals outfielder Willie Harris misplayed into a triple. However, had Soriano actually run hard, he could have easily gotten an inside-the-park home run, prompting Cubs color man Bob Brenly to quote, “It would be nice if for once, he would run hard out of the box.” It’s infuriating as a Cubs fan (not that pretty much everything isn’t) and twice as infuriating that his tag-team-laziness partner Aramis Ramirez does the same thing. Anyway, Chicago Tribune blogger and perpetual whiner Steve Rosenbloom actually got it right when he said that if Cubs interim (to Quittin’ Lou) manager Mike Quade wanted to make his mark, he should bench Soriano and Ramirez for not hustling. Of course, the Cubs being the Cubs did nothing and continued to coddle both overpaid assholes. Perhaps an even greater insult to fans’ intelligence came the next day when pitcher Ryan Dempster said during a radio interview that Soriano was the “hardest-working guy on the team.” Well, no wonder they suck.

Anyway, let me tell you about Soriano and Ramirez! They lollygag out of the box running to first. They lollygag around the bases. They lollygag after balls in the field. They lollygag around the clubhouse. According to photographic evidence, at the very least Soriano lollygags around on his wife. You know what that makes them? He fixes the cable? No, wrong movie! LOLLYGAGGERS!!!!!!!!!!

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[Sunday] morning, you sure look fine. And wouldn’t you know it, I’ve got a project for you guys.

Back when I was in college, my gf at the time said I reminded her of the main character in “High Fidelity,” one of her favorite books. (There was no movie yet). When I finally read the book, I said to myself, “She was right; I am like him. Just without all the sex.” Anyway, I really do enjoy making a good mix CD. And I’ve been having a horrible time coming up with a long-form piece for here. (Well, that and that no one else really wants to do weekend mornings).

Anyway, our friend, and by “friend” I mean “guy who’s great for comedy” Ron Washington just admitted to a positive cocaine test last summer during his team’s baseball season. Now goodness knows I have no bloody idea what he was thinking. But maybe a little inspirational music might help guide me towards an answer. So I’ve set to work creating a Ron Washington mega-mix. So I want you to throw out all your best ideas of songs about cocaine. And by “about cocaine,” I mean actually about cocaine. If a passing reference is made (like in A Tribe Called Quest’s “What,” when Q-Tip says, “What’s Ralph Kramden if he ain’t yellin’/at Ed Norton? What is coke snortin’?”), it’s just tangential. I mean actual content. Let’s see what you guys got. And don’t worry; they don’t have to be good songs.

I’ll get you guys started with some of the ones off the top of my head: “Cocaine” by J.J. Cale (that’s kind of a layup). “Cocaine Blues” by Johnny Cash. “Everybody Nose” by N.E.R.D. “Life in the Fast Lane” by the Eagles. “Bouncing Off the Walls” by Sugarcult (like I said, they don’t have to be good songs). “Lit Up” by Buckcherry (Good God, that’s a bad song). And, well of course, my personal favorite:

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First of all, I apologize for getting on my soapbox at the expense of comedic content. It’s kinda in my contract that if I write for your site, I’ll probably pop off about this once.

So Kansas City Chiefs running back and current Target of the Week Larry Johnson is currently suspended for this week’s game and maybe further. After ripping coach Todd Haley on his Twitter machine, he responded to critical Twitters with his favorite gay slur. (Like I say every week, Twitter is a fantastic outlet for players to let fans know just exactly what kind of dumbasses they are). To prove he’s man enough to say it to people’s faces, not just on Twitter, he reportedly used the same slur on people in the locker room. And he’s now suspended. And I have to say I’m pretty happy about that. But what’s he really suspended for? We’ll probably never know. What if he’d used the same slur in a volatile defense of his coach and organization? What if the Chiefs were in first place instead of last? Additionally, considering the myriad stories of how he treats women, Larry Johnson is a pretty easy person not to like. But what if it were someone like Drew Brees? I have a feeling that Larry Johnson just managed to create the perfect storm, and under different circumstances, this might have turned out different. But I hope I’m wrong.

The package for this product reads, "Not intended for use by gay people"

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