I have a question this morning. No, it’s not, “What is up Satan’s ass?” but that’s usually a good guess. When the current scourge of Fuse and my musical landscape states that she is prone to “Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy,” (no, I will not distinguish that musical abortion with a link) what exactly does she mean? She feels like a disease-ridden, megalomaniacal, no-talent man-diva that carefully and calculatingly exploits the death of his alleged “best friend,” for which he may be responsible for all we know, into multi-millions and an alleged “career?” Actually, that kinda makes sense given the talent level of the song. We just get to sit back and wait for her to lovingly thrust her skeleton into the spotlight.

Now, in honor of the culmination of the Winter Olympics, I will now perform a dramatic soliloquy from the seminal Winter Olympic film “Cool Runnings.” Like to hear it? Here it go!

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

/bows

Thank you, thank you. You’re too kind. No really. You shouldn’t have. You like me! You really, really like me!**

** = No, they really don’t.

Especially you, Crosby, Cherry, and Milbury!

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Put the Glass Down

Currently lost in the brouhaha over “journalistic ethics” concerning the Steve Phillips case is the simple truth that this story is patently hilarious. Let’s look at a little timeline here. Steve Phillips, while GM of the Mets, does the proverbial wild thing with one of his underlings, and winds up getting sued for sexual harassment. He is later given the gate, not for that, but because he’s terrible at his job. He inexplicably winds up as an analyst at ESPN, and is equally terrible at his job. He then does the proverbial wild thing with one of his underlings, who this time, instead of suing him, goes after his wife, who’s apparently still with him. She sends Mrs. Phillips a letter that reads like Twilight fan fiction, indicating how much she’d like to meet her. Being a woman of her word, Brooke Hundley shows up at Mrs. Phillips’ door and this whole affair finally blows up. Is anyone surprised? Of course not. He looks like a used car salesman and has a history of this kind of thing. Do I feel bad for anyone? No. Everyone knew what they were getting into when they got into the Steve Phillips business, including Brooke Hundley.

In a vital component of being terrible at his job, Steve Phillips participated in one of the most ill-conceived and derided TWWL gimmicks of all time – he participated in fake press conferences playing the GM of several Major League Baseball teams. Apparently, his experience as a bad GM gave him credibility? I dropped out of law school, so maybe I could be their legal analyst. Anyway, with Halloween coming up, I think it’s time for a little dress-up. Let’s address this Steve Phillips situation in the most fitting way possible – with a fake press conference. Playing the role of Steve Phillips will be … (looks around room, sees nobody else) me, Old King Clancy!

OK, let me put on this Steve Phillips costume here. OK, now that I’m in character, I feel a sudden obligation to go to a public park and start jackin’ it. I hope this little charade is over soon. OK, someone hit my fucking theme music!

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Put the Glass Down